This is something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately, since my nest is about to really be empty in a few months. I want to write about this, because I’ve been puzzling over the parent/child relationship lately alot.
When I was in my twenties and thirties, my best friend was definitely my mom. She was just like a super-wonderful girlfriend. Always ready to listen, always fiercely loyal, always generous to a fault. We could giggle at lunch for ages, and shopping was our favorite activity. Even after I was married I used to spend the night there sometimes, if my husband had to work very late and be up at work early the next day, as we lived in another town. Being with my mom was a special treat and even though we had our share of mother/daughter spats, our closeness was something very real.
I guess I always expected that I would have that kind of relationship with my own daughter. Well, as fate and irony would have it, this super-feminine girly-girl had two boys. At first I thought, wow — how does this work? But I was so insanely in love with both of them at first sight, our closeness grew very quickly. I really didn’t miss not having a daughter when they were growing up, because I loved being with them and they seemed to love being with me. I treated them to pretzels and Cokes at the mall every Friday afternoon, sushi when they got older, chai lattes, and the bookstore was a favorite haunt of all of us. I wasn’t even jealous when they fell in love and had girlfriends, so secure was I in their unqualified affection.
When my older son moved out to D.C. and in with his girlfriend, I took it in stride, not questioning the fact that he had to move on with his life. After all, I still had the younger one at home on vacations and in and out. My oldest called every day and shared his ups and downs with us. He was happy to come to all family gatherings. Nothing really seemed to have changed, except that we couldn’t run out to lunch at the drop of a hat.
But now the younger one is about to move out, too. Even when he’s here, he’s busy online or on the phone. Most nights, he’s out with friends and his girlfriend. His social life is that of an extremely busy, extremely popular 23-year-old. And even though he sweet and polite, very affectionate, I know I’m not his number one girl anymore. Can’t be, shouldn’t be. Was I wrong to want my best friends to be my best pals forever? Maybe this is the mistake you make when you love your kids so much, part of your parental role becomes sacrificied to your friendship role. Because it wasn’t enough for me to have their respect; I wanted them to want to spend time with me. But now they are moving on, and that is as it should be. So why do I feel so sad?
Hi!
Saw your blog address on the less to lose/over 50 WW site, and checked this out. This post hits home for me. My oldest, a son, 23, just moved out to his first apartment after graduating college last June, finding his first “real” job and working down his credit card debt!
Like your sons, my son is a good kid, and while he’s not overly affectionate or talkative, I feel that we have a good relationship.
I’m struggling with our changing relationship, still wanting to give unsolicited advice and probably asking too many questions, etc. He’s living about 20 minutes away in San Francisco (we’re in San Carlos), and we went up there last weekend to take he and his girlfriend out to dinner and had a really nice time. He enjoys our company and wants to come up often (ha ha… especially if we treat!), and has come down several times.
I’m sad, too, that my baby bird has flown the nest. For most of his life, I was a stay at home mom focused on raising he and his sister (age 21… still in college but home for the summer…yay). But, letting go is what’s supposed to happen. I know that, like my relationship with my parents, you NEVER really finish parenting/caring, it just changes somewhat.
Sounds like you have two wonderful sons, so congrats on being a super mom and raising them well!
Claire – Really enjoyed reading your comment – I left a response on my blog. Thanks so much for taking the time to write!
Best, Judy.
Claire – Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I think a lot of us on our WW site can relate to this one. Lisa is about to be an empty-nester, too — those of you with jobs outside the home will probably fare better. Right now I’m casting about for something to fill the gap, besides the gym and looking after my parents’ interests. They need me a lot right now, but I need something for me, too.
Thanks for sharing and hopefully I’ll see you on the thread!
Hi Judy
Interesting comment. I’ve been on that roller coaster too. DS#1 left for college, came home, left to work, came home, left to work, came home with a wife and 2 kids, and is now about to leave again. Each departure tugs at your heart even though you know they should be gone. In defense of adult children living at home, I just read recently that our generation is the first one in history to expect children to leave the nest. Previously, multi-generational families were expected to live together. I wonder why this change in philosophy…?? Is it a subtle trend to “de-value” family and rely on self-sufficiency?
Enjoy reading your blog.
Vic – That is an interesting question, and I think our country is perhaps too quick to push our children out the door. In Europe it’s far different. Italians routinely live with their parents for years, esp. the guys.
I wish my children could live within a block of us…maybe not right under the same roof, but very near by. I have some friends whose whole family lives on the same street. My DH thinks that is too close for comfort! Of course, he’s been on his own since the age of 18. His parents definitely looked at parenting as a job with a finite beginning and end. We look at it as a lifetime occupation; can’t imagine not being close to my kids.
thanks so much for reading and responding. It means a lot. I wish we could meet one day.